You CAN do this

Where ego reigns, there's often comfort & confidence. But is there room for growth?

This felt a bit silly. Weak.

How old am I? Do I really need a post-it reminder?

After two days of procrastination, struggling to find confidence, dealing with my inner saboteur, I stopped to think about what I was actually struggling with:

What was I afraid of?

What is within my control and what is outside of it?

What is real and what am I making up?

I had taken on a big project for work that I knew would take most of my time and energy for over a month. A project that I had actually done once before but with additional responsibilities this time around. This project tapped into some of my expertise, though mostly asked me to stretch a key skill that I'm not as confident in to a new level. The project had a hard, short deadline and a lot of work to get done. It was also a project that I was offered to work on due to a recommendation by a friend.

My struggle was multifaceted. Originally I thought I knew what it was: fear. Fear of not being able to get all the work done on time, fear that I'd overcommitted, fear that I'd let my friend down and that I'd fail. But was that really it? Not exactly. That was the easy and comfortable explanation. There was also another option: I wasn't an expert (in my opinion) at what I had taken on, and I was afraid of being exposed as a fraud. My ego was struggling.

Ego can be helpful. Protective. A tool for confidence. But for me it often stands in the way of growth and pretends it's doing me a favor. And this time it was telling me that I had committed to something out of my league and that a I was just setting myself up to fail. Imposter!

After sitting with that for a bit and giving myself a bit of coaching, I came to the conclusion that my ego was wrong. Yes, I haven't yet mastered the skill needed to complete the project. However, I AM skilled in that space, and I AM capable of doing the work well, it just wasn't going to be an easy walk in the park. Boo hoo. And, telling myself that I could screw up my friend's reputation was also ego. Sure, if I completely fail, they may receive pushback on their recommendation, but they're a badass. They're capable of handling their own and if I were to screw up the project it would just reflect MY ineptitude and likely kill my future work opportunities with them.

Ego and excuses.

So I told my ego to sit down. I had this. I CAN do this. And I posted the affirmation on my screen for the extra hard days when I knew my ego would pop her head back up again to remind me that I'd taken too big of a bite. And that happened.

Thank you ego, but I'm okay. I'm learning.

In the end, pushing through my resistance allowed me to not only build my skills closer to expertise, but because of the nature of the project also gave me the opportunity to learn a lot about my community, learn about some really amazing people, and find inspiration and motivation through the work. AND I’ve hit all the deadlines, have gotten great feedback throughout the process, and continue to work with this client. So suck it, ego.

Growth feels good!