Am I criticizing or am I contributing?

As leaders (and humans) we often put on armor^ - to hide fears, to survive toxic situations, to mask insecurities, to fake it until we make it - and that armor can be understandable. But it also shouldn't be worn forever. It's heavy, it's not always necessary, and it will hold us back.

Am I criticizing or am I contributing?

I was reminded today of an armor that I've seen leaders put on without even realizing it: criticism and cynicism. I've seen it flow through teams, providing a false sense of community and comradery. A false sense of control and security.

Us against Them.

Who do they think they are?

I know how to do this the right way.

Of course this was going to fail.

How much time do they think I have?

...... If I point my finger at someone else, the burden of responsibility is no longer on me.

In reality, criticism and cynicism are natural and typically born of real frustrations or stressors. There's friction happening, and our human reaction is to deflect, defend, or blame to keep ourselves safe.

For example: Your boss has decided that a brand new process needs to happen and your team will be responsible for this process, on top of your current responsibilities. They haven't asked you for your input on the process and are expecting you to lead your team's launch and successful execution of the project. The project starts next week.

That's a lot to ask of someone. It would be natural to be frustrated and even fearful of this situation.

Instead of stepping up to own the situation, you launch the project with a "leadership told me we had to do this" mentality. Things are clunky and your team expresses frustration, and you agree with them because well, you saw it coming.

It feels comforting to know when others around you feel the same stress and agree with your point of view. We can find a sense of belonging in complaining with colleagues* and connecting over frustrations. We sometimes even gain confidence and feel in control.

However, ongoing criticism and cynical attitudes serve to simply drain positivity and potential for forward progress out of a situation. This then perpetuates the cycle of cynicism ...See, I KNEW this was going to fail!

Here's where many people say "yes, but the way we're expected to do things is ridiculous!" or "they give us no support and expect unrealistic results" or "I don't even know what they do all day" - the list goes on and on.

And I'd agree that often times organizations and leaders have room for improvement. There's a difference between being complacent to bad leadership or unrealistic expectations and providing thoughtful perspective, options, and feedback while still moving the work forward.

Are you criticizing or contributing?

Criticizing points out the negatives and expects others to come up with the solution. It stagnates, isolates, and very rarely fixes anything. Criticism is easy. You honestly don't even have to know anything about a topic to provide criticism (social media is a great example of how this has been normalized today - though that topic is for a different blog post).

Contributing offers a prepared and thoughtful point of view, thought for correction, or potential solution. It focuses on positive action and forward progress toward a solution or a successful result. Contribution is brave. It is mature. It takes knowledge and preparedness to offer an idea or to challenge something productively. Being a contributor brings value and opportunity to the team.

Back to the example: Instead of criticizing your boss for 'dumping' this new project on you with little planning, no advanced notice, and zero input, I challenge you to instead ask yourself these questions:

• What am I afraid of?

  • i.e. Failure? Looking weak/inept to my team? Under-valued by leadership?

• What do I need to be successful?

  • i.e. Clearly defined expectations of success? Tools/technology? Feedback opportunities? Re-prioritization of projects?

• What can I control in the situation?

  • i.e. Communication of the project to the team? Attitude and approach to implementation? Request for further clarification or resources?

• What can I contribute?

  • i.e. Execution plan based on current resources? Gap analysis on points of concern? Thoughtful suggestions for adjustment?

Both approaches can point out things that legitimately need to be addressed. However, if you seek to understand the issue and underlying motivations, then contribute rather than criticize, your chances of actually causing change, fixing an issue, and being heard go up exponentially.

Great leaders are contributors.

Where can you find ways to contribute rather than criticize?

---

^Source: Brown, Brené. Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. Random House, 2018. For more information about Brené Brown and her work, visit https://brenebrown.com.

*This is different than venting to a trusted colleague (not a subordinate), friend, or spouse. Talking through a situation with someone you trust can be helpful to relieve tension, let go of stress, see things from a different perspective, and process emotions. As with ongoing criticism however, excessive venting can be harmful.